Sunday, April 19, 2009

ENTIRELY SATIRICAL, but read it anyhow.

Normally,while speaking in a spiritual context, I try never to make statements that cannot be clearly proven by at least one Scriptural text. However, I am about to go against that rule of thumb, and set forth a carefully reasoned opinion that, while I can't readily point to a proof-text, I still hold to be a self-evident and logical conclusion.

Before I reveal my sincerely held conviction, I must set the context. Many times, over the years, I have heard it said that when the rapture of the Church takes place, there will be mass chaos. Airplanes will fall from the sky. People will disappear before the very eyes of their loved ones. Also there will be multiple car crashes when the saved drivers are caught away. Makes sense, I guess.

However, it is my most dogmatically held opinion that, if you are driving an automobile on any public roadway when the rapture occurs, and if at the moment of the rapture you happen to be making a turn that requires you to signal your intention to other motorists, and you do not signal, you will not be going in the rapture!

I'm sorry! Really, I am! However, after years of driving on Florida streets and highways, I have concluded that there is no place for you in heaven."Then, what shall be my fate?" You may ask. I'm not sure, but I suspect that you are probably gonna go to the same place where professing Christians who don't correctly use "there","their",and "they're in their writing go. To the place where those who confuse "two, "too",and "to" go, and "your" and "you're", and those so-called Christians who voted for Obama go. I don't have any Scripture on where that place is, but I'm sure it's gonna be horrible. I'll bet they all drive Fords there.(SHUDDER)


Kim said...

I agree! :)

D.J. Cimino said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
D.J. Cimino said...

Do the Christians who think "all" means "all" go to this same place you spoke of? ;-)

DJ Cimino

Jeremy Weaver said...

Where the Ford fireth not, and bolts turn not with a wrench.

Jeremyisms 5:27

flsermonator said...

have you been taking that drug that your loving wife has told everybody your are taking?

Garry Weaver said...

I like people who agree with me.

Yes. That's where they're goin' too. Also those who evangelize using the Evangi-cube and all their converts.

Interesting text. I need to read that book sometime.

Now why would you put that on the world-wide web for all of humanity to see? I feel attacked and persecuted by your snarkiness. No doubt you are either a democrat or a Ford fan.

David Kjos said...

Rabbi Garry,

I was with you right up until the end, where you made a sad departure from the truth.

I think Jeremy's text is actually quite appropriate here, and does not mean what you think it means.

It clearly states that hell is the place "Where the Ford fireth not," indicating that in heaven, the Ford doth fire indeed. Art thou a master of Floridians, and knowest not these things? Verily, verily, I say unto thee, where the Ford fireth, the Chevy doth sputter and die.

Garry Weaver said...

Since I believe people who use "LOL" in their computer jargon, are also going to that awful place...I will just say: My mouth is stopped! I bow to the master snark. Drivel on...

David Kjos said...

Drivel on...That's my spiritual gift.

And you're right about that el-oh-el thing.

Joe said...

I said something similar to a Yankee "friend" of mine who responded, "What do you mean, '...signal your intention to other motorists?'"

Yankees! They're obviously not paying attention to their drivers' manual up there.

Anonymous said...

Does thee not know that one of the commandments is "Thou Shalt Not Make Light of Ford" ... look at where they are today compared to GM & Chrysler. Besides, I have been a member of a Ford-only family for about 50 years now. For years my husband wouldn't allow a Chevy to be parked in our drive-way. He relented however and now only excludes the foreign vehicles.

Louise in MI

Garry Weaver said...

Thanks for reading and commenting. I must admit that I am being forced to reconsider my anti-Ford feelings. This is due mostly to their refusal to take govt. money which translates into govt. control. However if you tell anyone I said that, I'll deny it.