Yesterday, while mowing a huge yard, I thought I would use the time of riding the mower to let my heart commune with God. I'll admit that I felt pretty good about my willingness to pray and meditate even while working.
As I began to fellowship with the Lord, I praised Him for His majesty and glory. I thanked Him for His grace toward me and His mercy on me (Oh! How I lean on His mercy). Then, as usual, I began to confess my failures and lament my shortcomings as a child of God and as a preacher of the gospel
Oddly enough, even as I was confessing these things, I was feeling pretty good about myself as I said " I wish I were more spiritual." "I wish I walked closer to you." I wish I had gone further and worked harder in the study of Your Word."
Then, in a flash, this thought came to my mind:" You might not be as spiritual as you wish you were , but you are as spiritual as you want to be." Ouch!
Friends, it appears that I had been neglecting to truly repent of failure in the sanctification process of my spiritual life by comforting myself with the thought that I wish I were better than I am. Jeremiah nailed it when he said:"The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked:..." (Jer.17:9) All this time, I thought I was a pretty sincere fellow. I thought I was really pleasing God by confessing what I wish I were.
The fact is, folks, we mostly are what we want to be. We pray as much and as sincerely as we want to. We display Christ in our lives as much as we really want to. We dig into God's word as much as we really want to. We walk as closely with Him as we really want to.
To say I wish to be what I am unwilling to pay the cost to be, reveals the deep seated depravity and hypocrisy of my heart.